SHITTER WARRIE… By Lee Dontmatter, 7 RAR

One night I was sinking piss with a good old mate of mine from The States, whom I’d met when he’d come to Oz and stopped at my joint for a piss-up! So we were sitting there drinking the old fucking VB tinnies and we got a bit fucking hungry so I ordered a few pizzas from Dominos! I got my favourite – the fire breather with extra chilli flakes and triple jalapenos (I never fucking learn). To cut a long story short we both got gloriously pissed and passed out.
I woke up and felt the movement in my bowels and fucking knew the show was about to start. So I ripped through the Maccas’ wrappers on my kitchen bench, looking for napkins (lately I’d been eating a lot of Maccas so hadn’t bothered buying shit roll). I double-timed it to my shitter and jumped on it with the aggression of a digger jumping into the bear pit at Kapooka during bayo training!
I let rip, giving birth to an old fucking muddy river! (got to love it after grog bogs).
I was looking down at my shitty napkins with a smile on my face, thinking, ‘Fuck me, dead dig! You’ve come a long way from shitting into a shitty scratch in the dirt with a few sheets of field notebook to wipe your arse with!’
So I wiped my arse and I was about to pull up my pants when I looked down and saw that my Yank mate had got to the shitter before me and spewed all over the fucking dunny bowl. It was now dripping down my legs and the immortal words of “Situational Awareness, men” rang in my ears!
What I would have given for that fucking scrap in the dirt to have a shit in!
A few hours later I could laugh but fuck me, wasn’t I the dumb cunt? Good times! Good times!

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